The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
