Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
