one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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