I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
