Four minutes until I can fart!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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