i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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