proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
