She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
