I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
