one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
