I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
