good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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