Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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