You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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