Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
