The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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