We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
