I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
