I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
