Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
