I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
