Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The struggles of a small town man whore
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
