you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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