420 ftw
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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