When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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