Where did you get a picture of my penis
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We had sex on a dog bed..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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