the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
