When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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