see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
