I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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