yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
