Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
