Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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