Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
