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Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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