I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
