The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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