Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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