im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
