i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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