Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
