If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
