I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
