i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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