well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
