I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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