I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
