Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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