nut hugger
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
A+ Viking dick
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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