i need an iv and a liver transplant
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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