so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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