I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
