sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
