I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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