Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
